Michelle Obama’s Mother Dies, Leaves Inheritance to ‘My Son Michael’

Michelle Obama’s mother, Mary McGillicuddy Robinson, has died at the age of 84. She went peacefully in her sleep before being mostly devoured by her Lhasa Apso, and Chicago police have ruled out any foul play. The real story, however, is how she worded her Last Will and Testament. According to Illinois Comptroller and Keeper of the Public Record, Art Tubolls, “Michelle” doesn’t legally exist:

“Mrs. Robinson’s will clearly states that her possessions should all go to ‘my son, Michael Robinson Obama.’ In Illinois, a person can’t legally change their gender, so she had to use his real name or she wouldn’t have gotten anything.”

Robinson’s wealth includes three properties in Illinois and one in Mississippi along with a bank account containing the $12 million the taxpayers gave her to babysit Malia and Sasha while she lived in the White House. According to the IRS, that money was never declared and the Obama’s will be on the hook to pay.

Along with her fortune, Robinson left her “adorably gay son in law, Barack” her collection of hats and a tan pantsuit said to have been worn after Labor day by Hillary Clinton. Lloyd’s of London places the value of that piece of clothing at nearly $4 million because of its “historical significance.”

On top of that, Michael will inherit a ton of jewelry, six thoroughbred racehorses, a Texas Hold ’em table and an inflatable 16′ Dynatex pool. There’s no word yet on who will maintain and award the world-famous McGillicuddy scholarship, which is given to 4 illegal immigrants per year to help with their immigration payments and education.

Democrat Congressman Planned To ‘Get Close Enough to Infect Trump’

Just when you thought they couldn’t go any lower, this happens. Congressman Joe Barron (D-Oregon), who tested positive last week for COVID-19, says he was planning to “get as close to Trump as possible” to try to infect him with the virus. In an interview on Rachel Maddow’s show full of liberal science that contradicts what true Americans believe, Barron said he wasn’t ashamed of it:

“I’m in no way ashamed to admit my plans. It’s not a crime to want to shakle the guy’s hand after licking my own, is it? I mean…he’s 72. If he gets this thing, the dystopian nightmare we’re living can finally come to an end.

“I’ve been told it’s wrong to try to weaponize the virus, but isn’t that what those white supremacists have been doing? They call it “God’s Scouge.” Maybe they should look at who is being infected and going down, because I feel great.”

Barron has been described as “asymptomatic,” with the exception of some really bad gas. His stench has been dubbed “The Fury of the Left.” He’s been consuming mass quantities of B&M Baked Beans and that brown bread that comes in a can in an attempt to overwhelm the chambers of Congress so the Republicans will stay away:

“The problem is, they’re so used to their own breath that they don’t seem affceted by my air biscuits. I don’t think they realize what spewing BS all day does to their personal hygiene.”

Democrats are always looking for reasons to poke fun at Trump supporters and their representatives. Now they’re using a deadly virus and flatulence to try to derail two branches of government. When will they finally be held accountable?

President Trump hasn’t tweeted about the incident yet, but scores of his loyal followers online have called for Barron’s removal and indictment for conspiracy to commit treason. Hopefully, action is swift.

Four Networks Refuse To Air Trump Briefings, Say ‘This Man Is Not A Leader’

Trump has been helping America to heal with his daily press briefings ever since all of this began. He is providing the public with vital information that could very well save their lives. Every major network has been airing them as they see the great importance of this, but all that is about to change.

CNN, NBC, CBS, and ABC are all set to announce that they will no longer televise the important announcements from the White House, saying that they are not in the public interest. This is a decision that most say is anti-American but they are standing firm, claiming that they are actually protecting the American public. A representative for the United Forces Of Broadcasting, Joe Barron, went into greater detail about their decision:

“We at UFB have joined together because we put the lives of Americans over the self-interest of Donald J Trump. It is our belief that his agenda through these press briefings is nothing more than campaigning at the expense of the health of the nation. He doesn’t care about anything but the economy. People need to take priority now.

This man is not a leader. He is an imbecile. Worse than that, he thinks he’s genius! So he’s giving medical advice that defies medical science and his idiot supporters are actually following it. He’s going to kill people.

UFB struggled with this decision. At first they thought they should push his ideas and let natural selection do its things. Trump’s base would soon disappear and the world would be a better place, but they reluctantly decided that would be wrong. Dammit.

Trump will never see airtime on our networks again.”

Perhaps it’s time for the federal government to yank the licenses away from these networks. They don’t seem to care about this country and are trying to harm it. Tell your congressman.

Trump Orders States To Allow Gun Stores To Stay Open

More than 14 states have decided that because of the current pandemic, gun stores should be considered “non-essential” and forced them to close. It all started in California, of course, and has moved through states run by Democrats like wildfire.

This is, of course, a ludicrous course of action. Gun stores are more essential at this point than just about every other kind of store. We need to be able to protect ourselves from the criminals with guns coming to steal our stockpiles of food, toilet paper, and other vital supplies, including our guns and ammunition.

The 2nd Amendment is clear: you have the right to defend your guns with guns and your food with even more guns. You should have the right to buy flamethrowers to protect your property as well, but liberal Supreme Court justices have decided that they’re “dangerous,” because they think those who would own them are “too stupid” to not use them indoors.”

President Trump has had enough. This morning, he issues Executive Order E10980G3, which states that all gun shops in America be considered “essential” and re-opened immediately, overriding the orders of state Governors like Gavin Newsome of California and Joe Barron of Oregon.

The order is to take effect immediately, and any state that doesn’t lift their illegal orders to keep them closed will be placed on the bottom of the list for supplies for the COVID 19 crisis. White House Director of Information and Propaganda, Gary DeTater, says this is the only way to keep Americans safe:

“Criminals are still running their black market gun stores, so why shouldn’t legal businesses be allowed to do the same? If the criminals are the only ones allowed to buy guns, the average American patriot won’t be able to defend themselves in an all-out battle. Just picture it…you’re under attack and you only have 2 assault rifles and a shotgun, but the criminals have 5 assault rifles and 4 shotguns, because they were free to go buy more. Does that make sense to you? Of course it doesn’t.”

The White House is confident that states will re-open their stores so they can get their requested supplies of masks and ventilators. Florida has apparently already opened all of its stores twice, and they’re expecting to re-open them again this week.

Thank you, President Trump, for making us safe. God bless you.


Clinton Jokes About Benghazi at Book Signing

Does anyone remember Hillary Clinton?  Well, there are quite a few people in the publishing industry as well as groups of liberal admirers gathering together at book retailers across the country that would like to make sure that we “never forget” her.

The former first lady, secretary of state, and presidential candidate who garnered millions more American votes than Donald Trump, has been on a whirlwind tour to promote her newest book, “What Happened”.  In Bowman’s Bluff, Utah, yesterday, fans gathered at the Reading is Believing bookstore discovered the answer to “What Happened” seems to be: “The Hill-Dawg just gave her last f*ck.”

Joe Barron, the outlet’s assistant manager squealed like a schoolgirl to a reporter from Utah’s Latter Day Queef about some jokes Clinton made to her audience that might seem inappropriate to us normal people:

“She was discussing the second chapter of her book with a young lady in a pro-choice t-shirt and bare feet who said the pacing was: ‘a little slow.’  Mrs. Clinton grinned and blurted out: ‘Like Libyan ambassadors trying to Sprint to an exit?’  The whole crowd laughed.  Then she said: ‘You know, when you go to Benghazi, there are so many fun things to do, by the end of the trip, you’ll feel like you’ve been dragged down the street!’  Again, her fans all laughed and even applauded.  I was a little disturbed myself.  Of course it was early, and I was hungrier than a Russian hooker in Donald Trump’s hotel room.”

Although somehow, in a public place with hundreds of gathered people and staff, no recording of any kind was made of the Conservative Boogywoman’s jabs, which, in sane circles might indicate that none of it ever actually happened, Tea Party mental cases across the country are enraged and calling for Hillary’s impeachment, imprisonment, spaying, and whatever else they can misspell on their Facebook pages full of gullible dipshittery.

Trump Signs Executive Order Limiting Abortions During Crisis

Trump’s work is God’s work.

President Donald Trump took extreme steps today to protect the most innocent in our country during this national emergency. With one swoop of the pen, the president signed into law a moratorium on abortions across the entire country.

Joe Barron, Junior Spokesperson for the Executive Branch says:

“What President Trump has done is pure stable genius. The Keep Everyone Alive Law places a tax on all abortions that makes them far too expensive for anyone but people that have his kind of money. That means 99 percent of all abortions across the United States will stop at once. No one can afford them! The babies are saved!”

This is actually a perfect tactic in the war on women who want to get abortions. The more difficult it is for them to have an abortion, the less likely it is that they can get one. Numerous states have been on the front lines, closing clinics for nefarious reasons with the intent of just making it too much of a pain for women to kill their babies. So, we know this works.

Look at Mississippi. They only have one abortion clinic for the entire state. You know those women aren’t able to run out and abort their babies. It’s proven that limiting access, especially through financial roadblocks, is effective.

Bravo to President Trump. He is saving lives and doing the work of Jesus. Babies are a blessing, even if you are unemployed and have no idea where your next meal will be coming from. These women just don’t understand how blessed they are. Hopefully, this will make them realize.

Emergency Powers Give Trump the Power to Bypass Congress

When President Trump declared the State of Emergency, he knew exactly what he was doing. After three years, he knew the Democrats in Congress were never going to cooperate with us to do what was right for the American people. He also knows that in these trying times that would not be acceptable.

When the State of Emergency is declared, extra powers are given to the president to use at his discretion, including the ability to take total control over governmental decisions, bypassing Congress. Thus far, President Trump has avoided using these, but word has it that he’s reached the end his rope as Congress continues to bicker rather than do what needs to be done.

Sources inside the White House, namely Joe Barron, have indicated that President Trump, as early as next week, may decide to use those powers and take matters into his own hands. He’s always suggested that he should have this ability and has in the past been confused as to why every member of Congress would not do his bidding.

This makes sense to do. We all know that Congress, particularly the Democrats, stalled and stalled again in finalizing a stimulus bill that citizens desperately need. This is clearly unacceptable. We are all well aware of President Trump’s uncanny ability to make sound decisions when the going gets tough. Clearly his judgment can be trusted above all others.

The American people elected Donald J. Trump to lead them into a new era. With this bump in the road that we’ve hit, we need that leadership more than ever. Congress is only delaying our glorious success and prosperity so it’s time to cast them aside. The Constitution matters not, obedience to our leader is what keeps us alive.


Malia Obama Caught Red-Handed Selling Masks

There is a complete media blackout on this one because it involves the precious Obamas who the left-wing media loves. However, we have received word from very creditable sources that Malia Obama was caught red-handed selling coveted PPE during the crisis.

More specifically, she is currently selling masks for $100 each on her famous eBay store.

Worse yet, she was seen walking between Saks Fifth Avenue and Bloomingdales gleefully wearing one of the masks!

Oh sure, while Americans are going without toilet paper, fresh air, and masks, an Obama kid is peddling the very things we need for prices no one can afford. This is what happens when your daddy, who was born in another country, gets to become president.

Joe Barron, who happened to see the Obama girl prancing down the street in her stolen mask said:

“I couldn’t believe my eyes. We’ve been told not to wear masks in public. We’ve been told that we don’t need to do that. Yet, here she is, clearly smiling under her mask, as she purchases expensive purses no one needs and orders Starbucks coffee like she doesn’t have a care in the world.”

It’s estimated that Malia has sold enough masks to make a profit of $7 million. Can you imagine? eBay should shut her store down, now! Why aren’t price gouging laws in place? Who did the Obamas payoff to allow such a disparage of justice to take place?

Malia’s last stop was a cupcake store, where she purchased a german chocolate cupcake with extra frosting. She was seen ripping the mask from her face and tossing it in the trash before enjoying her overpriced, dry confectionery treat. If that’s not the most entitled act you’ve ever heard of, I don’t know what is.

Go home and bake your own cupcakes, Malia!

NY Governor Cuomo Refuses to Fly U.S. Flag Until ‘Trump Gets His Act Together’

New York is a bastion of liberal communism, and as such, they completely oppose our president and everything he does, just out of spite. Even when he’s doing great things, they cannot put aside their hatred for the betterment of the nation.

Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York has announced that the state will no longer fly the American flag until “Trump and his administration get their act together to help the American people.”

Cuomo made the announcement at a press conference, with Art Tubolls by his side, after it was noticed by the press that the flag was not flying outside the State Senate.

“We have always been part of the United States of America, but the current president is not treating us like we are. He’s punishing us simply for opposing some of his actions. This is unpresidential and unamerican and we cannot let it pass.

The people of the state need help and this president is doing little to get it to them. If he wishes to make us feel as if we do not belong, we will make that notion real. This is not something to take lightly, we understand, but this is merely a protest. Nothing more. It’s just a worthless piece of cloth. Everybody needs to calm down.”

This man is calling our president unpatriotic and he does this? That is outrageous.

The White House should take punitive measures against New York State immediately to let Cuomo know this will not stand.

GOP Rep. Introduces Bill To Take Back $25 Million From Kennedy Center After They Laid Off Musicians

Republican Wisconsin Rep. Bryan Steil just put the Dems and Nancy Pelosi on notice over the shameful giveaway in the stimulus bill.

The Kennedy Center received $25 million in the stimulus bill even though many people believed that they did not need the money.

However, after they laid off staff and fired the musicians the backlash began.

Steil introduced a bill to take the $25 million for the Kennedy Center back and he is not alone.

His bill, which has 15 cosponsors including House Minority Whip Steve Scalise, would pull the $25 million for the Kennedy Center. According to Steil, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was likely the one who had the idea for the funding for the Kennedy Center in the first place.

In a phone call with the Daily Caller, Steil said “So we were negotiating this bill. Nancy Pelosi holds up getting relief to Americans to try to get this and other things in the bill.”

“And so the day that the House passed this bill, I drove from Janesville, Wisconsin, to Washington, D.C. to be there.”

“I spoke on the bill, spoke about how I thought the funding for the Kennedy Center was inappropriate.”

“And then before I left Washington, D.C. to drive back home, the day we passed the bill, I dropped this bill into the hopper and introduced it to start day one.”

“The moment after we passed a bill to begin the work of improving it and getting out of the bill, inappropriate funding.”

“A handful of days later, after this passes and you find out that the Kennedy Center is laying people off. That’s almost the icing on the cake,” Steil continued.